Wunderful Meat

I'll be posting an enormous rant about lazy fucking musicians in the guise of a review of the latest (and absolutely shit-yr-pelvis-out fantastic) Nackt Insecten LP, Quantum Odyssey*, in the next couple of days. I would have finished it tonight, but I'm too stoned and too full of vodka to rant in the precise manner the subject requires, so instead I thought I'd tell you my method for cooking the perfect steak. It reads like it's far more of an arse-around than it actually is, so try it out, you won't regret it, and you'll never cook steak another way again.

In addition to the meat, which should preferably be at room temperature, you will need:

One frying pan
One large pot
One ziploc bag (or any plastic bag you can tie a waterproof knot in, is big enough to fit the steak in, and no longer contains cocaine) per steak

Season the meat with whatever floats yr boat, put the steaks into the bags, chuck in a bit more seasoning, squeeze all the air out of the bag and seal it.

Fill the pan with hot water and (this is the Heston Blumenthal method) using yr thermometer and yr masterful control of the gas hob, or (stoner's method) put the pan in the oven and set the thermostat, heat the water to 55C/130F (if you like it rare-medium rare, if you like it another way check this handy table for the requisite temperature).

Chuck the bags in the water. Leave for half an hour**. Have a nice glass of wine and possibly another. Or maybe a joint. Or both. You've got 28 minutes or so to kill.

When time's up, heat up yr pan, chuck in whatever fat or oil you prefer (and whiskey, if y're so inclined and have a fire extinguisher handy), take the steaks out, throw 'em in the pan and fry the bastards 'til they look like a steak should on the outside.

Let them rest for five minutes or so, then consume with extreme delight.

This method works with lamb and veal as well, which I intend to try out as soon as possible.

*It's on Blackest Rainbow, and it's stupidly limited and probably sold out, but I urge you to track this down if you have any room in yr soul for deeply psychedelic mung.

**Or a bit longer if it's a particularly thick lump of flesh.

***I wouldn't try it with pork though, unless you fancy sharing yr digestive tract with a segmented friend.