Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Cerveza Afrutada

I like beer. This is probably not a surprise to anyone. I love wheat beers, particularly spiced ones. What I don't like tho, is when the barkeep puts a fucking slice of lemon or orange* in my bloody pint without asking. Now I can sort of see the sense of putting a lime segment in a bottle of Corona or Sol**, 'cos let's face it, that type of beer (and I use the word in it's loosest possible sense) has slightly less taste than tap water and the lime kick might just trick someone with no sense into believing that the insipid piss they're drinking has some vague flavour to it, but good wheat beer is already chock-full of yeasty, banana-y and citrusy goodness even without the optional coriander, fruit peel and whatnot that goes into some of 'em. As far as I can tell, all the citrus slice achieves is a dulling of the spicier notes and the delicate nose of a good wheat beer, because it just accentuates the already present citrus flavours at the expense of any subtlety or depth, and because of the citric acid, decimates the lovely fluffy head characteristic of these brews, and destroys the inherent slight creaminess that many examples of this style possess.

I don't drink beer just to get pissed**, and I certainly don't drink beer to show off my exquisite fucking taste to those around me or because said beer is "the thing to drink" according to whatever shadowy cabal decides these things. I drink beer because I love the fucking taste and if I'm paying four quid a fucking pint I expect to have that beer served to me the way I fucking want it, and not the way the marketing department of the brewery says I should be "experiencing" it. So please, when a thirsty Wommm comes into yr pub, and asks for a pint of Blue Moon, and then politely asks you to remove the offending piece of fruit from the glass, please don't sigh and make a face like you've suddenly got a faint aroma of shit in yr nose, and when I buy a second pint, specifically ordered without the orange, please don't tell me "it tastes better with the orange", just pour the fucking beer, please. You may prefer the taste with the fruity addition, and that's just fine. I don't. If I wanted a fucking alcoholic fruit cocktail I'd have ordered Pimm's for fuck's sake.

I may take the piss out of America occasionally, but if there's one thing they get so right over there, it's customer service. It's really easy, just be nice, respect the customers wishes, and you'll probably sell a lot more beer. And people will come back instead of going elsewhere, they'll have a better time, your job will be less stressful because you haven't aggravated yr customers (never really the best idea), fuck me, it's not exactly rocket science...

*I believe the lemon slice was originally Hoegaarden's fault, and Blue Moon are responsible for the orange. At least Blue Moon have had the decency to admit it's a gimmick, albeit a fucking stupid one.

**Well, not usually. We all have our moments...


  1. I miss good beer so. Fucking. Much. At this point they could dump a fucking stinking durian into a nice German beer and I'd still pay through the nose for it.

  2. This may help:

    If you can find their beers, you might just get through this. Believe me, I feel yr pain, I would be climbing the fucking walls if I had to drink the piss I suspect you've been subjected to...

  3. We drink nearly solely Coopers and it works for us. It's just we used to be able to drag ourselves to a fucking corner store and drink up a better variety than we do here.

    I'm feeling so whiny about it these days I could slap myself so now that we're buying our own place I'm turning to the homebrew. There's no way I could do worse than your standard Australian cat-pissery of a beer production firm.

  4. I didn't realize Australia had a bad reputation for beer. Wonder why that is.

    I know why American beer is the way it is...or was. Only the big breweries survived prohibition and they were selling a product that had to be acceptable to people from Boston to Key West to San's the same with "American" comedy and most things that are actually American and not appropriated bits of Southern culture...sorry. rant.

    There are lots of breweries around now...Abita out of Louisiana makes good beers.

    I used to drink Boddingtons when I felt like beer...but usually I stuck to Bourbon.